Increasing your effectiveness with EFT, part 231.
When we think about working with traumatic memories, it’s understandable that we might feel apprehensive about revisiting experiences that were particularly painful or overwhelming. We might worry about having to relive what happened, losing control of our emotions, or feeling worse afterward.
Fortunately, EFT offers several techniques that allow us to approach difficult memories gradually, from a safe enough distance, and at a pace that respects the person’s window of tolerance.
One of the things I particularly appreciate about these techniques is that we don’t necessarily have to dive into a traumatic memory to begin working on it. Sometimes, the most helpful place to start is with how we feel about the possibility of approaching that memory in the first place.
What Do We Mean by Trauma?
Trauma can result from a single event, a series of events, or ongoing circumstances that a person experiences as physically or emotionally harmful or threatening, and that continue to affect their well-being afterward.
Some traumatic experiences involve situations that were physically dangerous or life-threatening, such as accidents, violence, or abuse. Others may involve experiences of humiliation, rejection, abandonment, or feeling helpless and alone.
The emotional impact of an experience can depend on many factors, including our age at the time, the resources and support we had available, and what the experience meant to us. Two people can go through similar events and be affected in very different ways.
Sometimes, the effects of a traumatic experience can continue long after the event itself. We might find ourselves avoiding situations that remind us of what happened, feeling unusually alert to possible danger, or experiencing intrusive memories or nightmares. We might also notice that certain situations trigger emotional reactions that feel much more intense than we would expect, or that we become overwhelmed by feelings that are difficult to manage.
Of course, these experiences aren’t exclusive to trauma, and having some of these reactions doesn’t necessarily mean that someone has a trauma-related disorder.
But if a memory continues to bring up intense emotional reactions, it’s understandable that the prospect of deliberately revisiting it during an EFT session might feel intimidating.
And that’s where some of EFT’s gentle techniques can be particularly helpful.
Starting With the Apprehension
Imagine that there’s a painful memory you’ve been avoiding for years. You know that it still affects you in some way, but even the thought of working on it makes you anxious.
Perhaps you’re afraid of becoming overwhelmed, or you worry that opening that door might bring up feelings you won’t be able to handle.
In EFT, we have a gentle technique called Sneaking Up, which allows us to begin by working with precisely that apprehension.
For example, we might tap with something like:
“Just thinking about working on this memory, I feel really scared that I’m going to become overwhelmed, and this is where I’m at right now”.
Or perhaps:
“I’m afraid that if I start talking about what happened, I won’t be able to stop crying, and this is where I’m at right now”.
Rather than trying to convince ourselves that there’s nothing to be afraid of, we can give those fears the microphone and allow them to be heard while tapping.
I often use the analogy of a town hall meeting, where different thoughts, emotions, and parts of ourselves are waiting for their turn to speak. If one part of us is afraid of approaching a memory, it makes sense to give that part a chance to express its concerns before proceeding.
And here’s something I think is particularly important: working with the apprehension can already be part of processing the memory itself.
We might spend an entire session tapping on our fear of approaching a memory without ever discussing what happened. But as long as we’re connecting with some of the emotional charge associated with that memory, such as the apprehension we feel about working on it, the tapping may already be helping us process some of that charge. As a result, when we eventually approach the memory more directly, perhaps in our next session, we may find that it feels less intense and easier to work with than it otherwise might have.
Sometimes, another concern comes up instead. Perhaps we’re no longer as afraid of becoming overwhelmed, but now we’re worried about being judged for what happened, or about what it might mean if we stopped feeling angry.
Those concerns can also have their turn at the microphone. There’s no need to rush past them to get to the memory itself.
Finding a Comfortable Distance
Another analogy I often use is that of a cup of tea.
We want the tea to be warm enough to drink comfortably, meaning that there’s enough emotional charge for us to process through tapping, while being careful that it doesn’t become so hot that it burns us. Similarly, we want to stay connected with what we’re feeling without becoming emotionally overwhelmed.
When working with traumatic memories, finding that balance can be particularly important.
For example, simply mentioning the memory might bring up a manageable amount of sadness or anxiety. But imagining ourselves right back in the middle of what happened might feel far too intense.
In that case, we can stay with the more distant perspective.
We might tap on something like:
“Just knowing that this memory is still there, I feel this heaviness in my chest, and this is where I’m at right now”.
Or:
“When I think about the possibility of talking about what happened, I feel this knot in my stomach, and this is where I’m at right now”.
If it starts to feel a bit too intense, we can also use silent tapping while looking around the room, noticing our surroundings, or focusing on something neutral or pleasant, which can help send cues of safety to our nervous system.
The idea is to remain within a range of emotional activation that feels manageable, adjusting our distance from the memory as needed.
Sometimes we can move a little closer. Other times, we might need to move farther away. Both are valid parts of the process.
Working With One Small Piece at a Time
Once someone feels comfortable enough to approach a memory, we have other EFT techniques that allow us to work with it in a gradual and structured way.
One of these is called Tell the Story.
Rather than asking someone to recount an entire traumatic experience in detail, we can approach the memory as a series of smaller moments, working with one at a time.
For example, imagine someone who was involved in a frightening car accident.
Before beginning to tell the story, we might ask them to give the memory a neutral title, such as “The Accident on Main Street”. Then, we can invite them to imagine seeing those words on the cover of a book or on a movie theater billboard, without going into the details of what happened.
If simply looking at that title in their mind brings up some emotional charge, we can pause and tap on it.
For example, we might use a setup statement like:
“Even though there’s some emotional charge when I think about this title, The Accident on Main Street, right here, right now I’m okay”.
Of course, we would only use “I’m okay” if that statement feels true to the person. Otherwise, we could use something like “And this is where I’m at right now”.
One of the interesting aspects of this technique is that we can deliberately maintain some emotional distance from the memory by referring to the emotional charge in general terms, without necessarily identifying the specific emotions or bodily sensations involved.
Of course, this doesn’t mean we can’t work with specific emotions, thoughts, or bodily sensations if they come up. We can certainly give those aspects the microphone when it feels appropriate. The idea is simply that we have the option of maintaining a little more distance from the memory by referring to the emotional charge in general terms, especially when getting into the specifics might feel too intense.
Once the title no longer brings up much emotional charge, we can begin telling the story, starting from a point before anything went wrong and moving forward gradually.
Perhaps the person remembers driving down the road and noticing another car approaching an intersection.
If that particular moment brings up some emotional charge, we pause there rather than continuing with the story.
We might tap with something like:
“Even though there’s some emotional charge when I think about this part of the story, when I saw that car approaching the intersection, right here, right now I’m safe”.
Again, we would only use “I’m safe” if it feels true to the person. Otherwise, we could use “And this is where I’m at right now”.
Once the intensity associated with that particular moment has decreased to a very low level, typically below 2 out of 10, we invite the person to rewind the story and begin again from the beginning.
This allows us to check whether the moments we’ve already worked on still feel relatively neutral, and to identify the next crescendo, or moment when the emotional intensity increases.
We then pause at that new moment and repeat the process.
In this way, we gradually work through the memory, one manageable piece at a time, repeatedly returning to the beginning rather than simply moving forward through the story.
And if another feeling or concern comes up along the way, we can give that the microphone as well.
It’s also worth remembering that we don’t have to go through the entire story in a single session. Sometimes, working with one or two manageable moments is more than enough for that day.
What if Someone Doesn’t Want to Share the Details?
Another concern that sometimes comes up when working with traumatic memories is the fear of having to disclose what happened.
There may be experiences that someone feels ashamed of, memories that are particularly private, or details they simply don’t feel comfortable sharing with another person.
And that’s completely understandable.
Fortunately, EFT also offers techniques that allow us to work with memories without having to disclose their contents.
One example is the Silent Movie Technique.
In this approach, the person can think about the memory privately, as though it were a short movie, while the practitioner guides the tapping process without needing to know the details of what happened.
As with Tell the Story, we begin by asking the person to give the movie a neutral title. They don’t need to explain what the title refers to, and we can start by tapping on any emotional charge that comes up when they imagine seeing those words on a movie theater billboard.
Once the title feels relatively neutral, we can invite them to begin watching the movie silently in their mind, starting from a point before anything distressing happens.
If they reach a moment when the emotional intensity increases, we ask them to pause the movie at that point.
We don’t need to know what they’re seeing or what happened at that particular moment. We can simply refer to it as a peak of intensity.
For example, we might tap with:
“Even though I’m at the first peak of intensity, right here, right now I’m okay”.
As always, the ending of the setup statement can be adjusted to whatever feels true for the person.
Once the emotional intensity associated with that moment has decreased to a very low level, typically below 2 out of 10, we invite them to rewind the movie and watch it again from the beginning.
They can then continue until they reach the next peak of intensity, where we pause and tap again.
We repeat this process gradually, working through the movie one peak at a time, while allowing the person to keep the contents of the memory private.
One of the advantages of working gradually with techniques like Tell the Story and Silent Movie is that we don’t have to jump straight to the most intense part of a traumatic memory.
Thanks in part to what we call the generalization effect, the tapping we do on the earlier moments of the memory may also help reduce the emotional charge associated with later moments, even before we’ve worked on them directly.
As a result, by the time we reach what would have originally been the most intense part of the memory, we may find that it already feels less overwhelming and easier to process than it would have if we’d gone straight to it.
The practitioner can help the person regulate the pace, check how they’re doing, and decide whether to continue or take a step back, all without needing to know the actual content of the memory.
Of course, the fact that someone doesn’t have to disclose the details doesn’t mean that every memory is appropriate to work on in this way, or that the process is automatically safe. The practitioner still needs to pay attention to the person’s responses, their capacity to remain present, and whether additional support or stabilization might be needed.
But for someone who is hesitant to share a particularly private experience, knowing that this option exists can sometimes make the prospect of working with the memory feel less intimidating.
We Don’t Have to Push Through
One of the principles I try to keep in mind when working with difficult memories is that we can go as fast as the slowest part of us feels comfortable going.
Sometimes, one part of us wants to get the memory over with as quickly as possible, while another part is frightened of what might happen if we approach it.
Rather than allowing the impatient part to push the frightened part forward, we can give both of them a chance to speak.
Perhaps the impatient part says:
“I’m so tired of this memory affecting my life. I just want to get rid of it”.
And the frightened part responds:
“But what if I can’t handle what comes up? What if I lose control?”
Both perspectives can become targets for tapping.
As we work with these different concerns, we may find that the internal conflict begins to soften, allowing us to approach the memory with a little more ease.
And sometimes, the most helpful thing we can do is recognize that we’ve done enough for today. We can always come back to the memory another time.
A Few Words About Trauma and Safety
Although EFT offers several ways to approach difficult memories gradually, working with trauma requires particular care.
Some people experience dissociation, flashbacks, or intense emotional reactions when approaching certain memories. These responses may require additional stabilization and specialized support before any direct memory processing is attempted.
It’s also important to recognize that a technique being described as gentle doesn’t automatically make it appropriate for every person or situation. The person’s current circumstances, emotional stability, available support, and capacity to remain present all need to be taken into account.
For that reason, I wouldn’t recommend trying to work through particularly traumatic memories on your own, especially if you have a history of becoming overwhelmed or disconnected when thinking about them.
Working with a well-trained, trauma-informed EFT practitioner can help provide a more structured and supportive environment. Depending on the person’s circumstances, other forms of trauma-focused treatment may also be appropriate.
Taking It One Step at a Time
When someone tells me that a memory feels too overwhelming to approach, I don’t necessarily see that as a reason to abandon the possibility of working with it.
It tells us something important about where we need to begin.
Perhaps we start by tapping on the fear of opening that door. Perhaps we work with the frustration of still being affected by something that happened years ago. Or perhaps we simply acknowledge that one part of us wants to move forward while another part isn’t ready yet.
As those concerns become more manageable, we can reassess whether it feels appropriate to move a little closer to the memory, using techniques such as Tell the Story or Silent Movie.
And if we’re still apprehensive, we can continue working with that.
There’s no need to force the process. We can start with whatever is asking for the microphone today and see where the tapping takes us.
That said, when working with traumatic memories, there can be many different emotions, concerns, and aspects contributing to how we feel, and it isn’t always easy to know what to focus on when tapping by ourselves. If you’d like some support exploring what’s coming up for you, you can learn more about my approach at brunosade.com.
I’m Bruno Sade, a clinical psychologist and Accredited Certified Advanced EFT Practitioner. I work online with people around the world, helping them reduce the emotional charge behind difficult thoughts, memories, and triggers.
If you’re curious about experiencing EFT in a guided session, I occasionally offer a free EFT tapping session in exchange for a brief market research interview. You can sign up here.
