Increasing your effectiveness with EFT, part 230.
Longing for love and companionship can bring up a lot of different emotions. We may feel lonely when we come home to an empty house, sad when we see other people enjoying their relationships, or frustrated when another attempt at dating doesn’t work out. Sometimes there may also be a sense of hopelessness, especially if we’ve been wanting a loving relationship for a long time and haven’t been able to find one.
When working with this issue, I think EFT can be helpful in a couple of different ways. On the one hand, we can use tapping to work with some of the pain and suffering around not having the love and companionship we want right now. On the other hand, we can also explore some of the fears, beliefs, and past experiences that might be making it more difficult for us to pursue or feel comfortable in a loving relationship.
And because this can be such a big and emotionally charged subject, it’s worth considering where to begin.
What If the Issue Feels Too Big to Work On?
Sometimes, when people think about using EFT for something like this, they immediately feel overwhelmed. There may be years of loneliness, disappointments, painful memories, and fears about the future, and the thought of opening all of that up can feel intimidating.
Whenever a client tells me that an issue feels too big to work on, I usually suggest that we start right there.
For example, we might tap while saying:
“Just thinking about working on this, it feels really huge, and this is where I’m at right now”.
Or perhaps:
“I’m afraid that if I start looking at all this loneliness, I’m going to feel even worse. There’s so much sadness here, and I don’t know if I want to open it all up. And this is where I’m at right now”.
I often describe this approach as giving the microphone to whatever thoughts, feelings, or parts of us are asking to be heard. If part of us is afraid of working on the issue, we can give that apprehension some attention while tapping, rather than trying to ignore it or push through it.
We don’t necessarily need to wait until the apprehension has completely disappeared before moving forward. Sometimes, simply acknowledging it can help us find a more comfortable distance from which to approach the subject.
Breaking the Issue Down Into Smaller Pieces
Another thing that can help when an issue feels overwhelming is making the tapping more manageable by focusing on one specific moment at a time.
In EFT, we often do this by identifying specific events. These can be memories of things that happened in the past, or even imagined situations that might happen in the future. What we’re interested in is how we feel right now, in the present moment, when we think about that particular experience.
For example, perhaps the loneliness feels especially strong in the evenings. Instead of trying to work on all the loneliness we’ve experienced over the years, we might imagine a specific moment later tonight:
“When I imagine myself watching Netflix tonight, alone and lonely, I feel this sadness in my heart. And this is where I’m at right now”.
Or perhaps Valentine’s Day was particularly difficult because we spent it alone while many of our friends were celebrating with their partners:
“When I remember Valentine’s Day and having to spend it alone while all my friends had someone to spend it with, I feel this shame in my face. And this is where I’m at right now”.
Someone else might feel hopeless when imagining another attempt at dating:
“When I imagine myself possibly going on a date next month, I feel really hopeless because I just can’t imagine it working out. And this is where I’m at right now”.
Each of these examples gives us a smaller piece of the larger issue to work with. We can choose one moment, give the microphone to whatever thoughts and feelings come up as we think about it, and see what happens as we tap.
Sometimes, as the emotional charge around one aspect decreases, another one becomes more noticeable. Perhaps the sadness about spending Valentine’s Day alone starts to shift, but now we realize that we’re also feeling ashamed of being single at our age. That shame might be the next layer of the onion, and we can make it another target for tapping.
Giving the Loneliness a Chance to Speak
When we feel lonely, there can be a tendency to immediately look for ways to make the feeling disappear. We might distract ourselves, try to stay busy, or remind ourselves of all the things we should be grateful for.
There’s nothing inherently wrong with distracting ourselves or appreciating what we have. But sometimes, the loneliness itself may benefit from being given a little attention.
We can tap while allowing ourselves to acknowledge what we’re missing, what we wish were different, and how painful it feels.
Perhaps part of us wants to say:
“I’m so tired of being alone. I wish I had someone to share my day with. I want someone to hug me when I’m having a hard time, someone to laugh with, someone who actually wants to spend time with me. And this is where I’m at right now”.
We don’t need to immediately respond to these thoughts with reassurance or try to convince ourselves that being single has its advantages. We can simply let that part of us express what it’s feeling while we tap.
I sometimes use the analogy of a Town Hall Meeting to explain this. Imagine that our different thoughts, feelings, and parts are all attending a meeting, and each one wants an opportunity to speak. When certain voices repeatedly go without being acknowledged, they may keep trying to get our attention, sometimes even more loudly.
Giving the microphone to our loneliness, sadness, frustration, or disappointment can be a way of allowing those experiences to be heard.
And sometimes, as the emotional intensity decreases, we may find ourselves feeling a little more at peace with our current circumstances, even if we still very much want a relationship.
What Do We Believe About Finding Love?
Another area worth exploring is what we believe about the possibility of finding love and companionship.
For example, when we imagine ourselves in a loving relationship, does that feel like something that could realistically happen? Does it feel safe? Do we feel deserving of it?
Sometimes thoughts such as these may come up:
- “It’s never going to happen for me”.
- “I’m not attractive enough”.
- “Nobody would want to be with someone like me”.
- “Relationships aren’t safe”.
- “People always leave me”.
- “I don’t deserve to be loved”.
If one of these beliefs carries emotional charge, we can give it the microphone while tapping. We don’t have to immediately replace it with a positive affirmation or try to convince ourselves that it isn’t true.
Instead, we can become curious about what experiences may have contributed to that belief.
For example, someone who believes that nobody would want to be with them might remember being rejected by someone they were interested in. Perhaps they remember the exact moment they asked that person out and were turned down, or a particular comment that made them feel unattractive or undesirable.
We can then work with that specific memory and whatever emotions come up when we think about it today.
Another person might believe that relationships aren’t safe because they’ve experienced painful breakups, betrayal, abuse, or violence in past relationships. In that case, we might explore some of those experiences one at a time, without assuming that any single memory necessarily explains the entire problem.
As the emotional charge around these experiences changes, the beliefs associated with them may also begin to shift.
What If Part of Me Is Afraid of Finding Love?
Sometimes we consciously want a relationship while also having concerns about what might happen if we found one.
This can be an interesting area to explore with EFT, particularly when we feel stuck between wanting companionship and being afraid of getting close to someone.
For example, part of us might think:
“I really want to be in a relationship, but I’m afraid of getting hurt again”.
Or:
“What if I finally find someone I love and then they leave me?”
Someone else might worry about losing their independence, having to compromise too much, or becoming responsible for another person’s emotional or physical well-being. There may also be fears about being vulnerable, expressing our needs, or allowing someone to see parts of ourselves that we usually keep hidden.
I sometimes refer to these concerns as protective mechanisms. We can think of them as parts of us that are trying to prevent something painful from happening, even if their concerns sometimes make it harder for us to pursue what we want.
Rather than trying to overcome these concerns through willpower, we can give them the microphone.
For example, we might imagine a specific future situation, such as going on a date with someone we really like, and notice what happens:
“When I imagine sitting across from someone I really like and realizing that I could actually develop feelings for them, I feel scared. What if I get attached and they end up hurting me? And this is where I’m at right now”.
We can tap on that fear and see what comes up. Perhaps it reminds us of a previous relationship, or maybe another concern becomes more noticeable.
The important thing is to remain curious about what each reaction is trying to tell us, rather than deciding beforehand which thoughts or feelings we should be having.
What If the Feelings Become Overwhelming?
When working with something as emotionally charged as longing for love, it’s important to pay attention to how much intensity we’re experiencing.
I often use the analogy of a Cup of Tea. We want the tea to be warm enough that we can taste it, meaning that there’s enough emotional charge for us to have something to process through tapping, while being careful that it doesn’t become so hot that it’s overwhelming. If we’re completely relaxed or disconnected from the issue, there might not be much emotional charge to work with in the first place.
If giving the microphone to a particular feeling becomes overwhelming, we can gently zoom out.
For example, instead of fully immersing ourselves in the sadness of being alone, we might tap while saying:
“Just thinking about this, I feel sad, and this is where I’m at right now”.
We can stay at that greater distance for a while and see whether the emotional intensity becomes more manageable.
If a particularly strong wave of emotion comes up, we can also tap silently through the points without saying anything. Another option is to place some of our attention on something pleasant or neutral in our surroundings while continuing to tap, such as a plant, a picture, or the view through a window.
Once things feel more manageable, we can decide whether we’d like to gently return to what we were working on.
And if particularly traumatic memories come up, such as experiences of abuse, I wouldn’t recommend trying to work through those alone. Working with a well-trained, trauma-informed EFT practitioner can be especially helpful when approaching experiences that feel difficult to manage.
We Don’t Have to Work on Everything at Once
Longing for love and companionship can involve many different layers. There may be sadness about our current circumstances, grief about relationships that didn’t work out, painful memories of rejection, beliefs about ourselves, fears about the future, or parts of us that feel apprehensive about getting close to someone again.
We don’t have to figure out which of these is the most important before we begin. We can start with whatever feels most accessible today, whether that’s a recent moment of loneliness, an imagined future situation, or even the feeling that the whole issue is too big to work on.
As we tap, we may discover other thoughts, feelings, memories, or concerns that are asking for the microphone. We can follow those connections at a manageable pace, choosing one piece at a time.
And while working through these experiences can’t guarantee that we’ll find the relationship we’re hoping for, it may help us feel less overwhelmed by our current circumstances and gradually become more comfortable with the possibility of finding love and companionship.
That said, when working with longing for love and companionship, there can be many different emotions, beliefs, and past experiences contributing to how we feel, and it isn’t always easy to know what to focus on when tapping by ourselves. If you’d like some support exploring what’s coming up for you, you can learn more about my approach at brunosade.com.
I’m Bruno Sade, a clinical psychologist and Accredited Certified Advanced EFT Practitioner. I work online with people around the world, helping them reduce the emotional charge behind difficult thoughts, memories, and triggers.
If you’re curious about experiencing EFT in a guided session, I occasionally offer a free EFT tapping session in exchange for a brief market research interview. You can sign up here.