Increasing your effectiveness with EFT, part 224.
Sometimes, as we learn more about ourselves, we begin to recognize patterns that feel strangely familiar. Maybe we tend to expect the worst, struggle to enjoy good things when they happen, become anxious around money, avoid conflict at all costs, or react to stress in a particular way. And at some point we realize, “This is exactly how my mom or dad used to respond to life”.
We learn a great deal about how to navigate the world by observing the people around us while growing up. That can include ways of thinking, emotional reactions, beliefs about ourselves and other people, and strategies for dealing with uncertainty or disappointment. Years later, we may recognize some of those same patterns in ourselves and wonder whether EFT can help us change them.
Let’s use a hypothetical example. Imagine growing up with a father who experienced life as a constant struggle. Whenever something good happened, somehow things seemed to go wrong shortly afterwards, reinforcing his belief that good things never lasted. Perhaps you frequently heard him say things like, “You see? Nothing ever works out for us”.
As an adult, you might find that you’ve developed a similar expectation. Something good happens and, rather than enjoying it, part of you immediately starts waiting for the other shoe to drop. You may intellectually recognize that you don’t have to see life the same way your father did, while still noticing how difficult it is not to automatically fall into that same expectation.
So how might we approach something like this with EFT?
Starting With the Memories
One avenue is to think about specific times when you remember seeing your parent experience or express this pattern. Rather than tapping on the general idea that “my dad was pessimistic” or “my mom was always anxious”, I would usually become curious about particular moments that still carry some emotional charge when you remember them now.
Maybe you remember a time when your father was finally able to buy a nice car, only to damage it the following week. You can still picture how disappointed he looked and remember hearing him say that nothing ever worked out for your family.
As you bring that particular memory to mind, what do you notice now?
Perhaps you feel sad for him. Maybe you feel a heaviness in your chest, anger about the way he responded, or even fear as you remember realizing that something good could disappear so quickly. Whatever comes up can give us a starting point for tapping.
A setup statement might sound something like:
“When I remember that time when my dad was finally able to buy a nice car, but he damaged it the next week, and he was just so disappointed, as I think about this now, I feel really sad. And this is where I’m at right now”.
From there, we can continue giving the microphone to whatever thoughts, emotions, body sensations, or other memories arise.
Starting With How the Pattern Shows Up Today
Sometimes those earlier memories are difficult to access. We might remember what happened without feeling much of anything when we think about it now. In those situations, I often find it useful to approach the pattern from the opposite direction and work with the way it is showing up in our lives today.
Imagine that you have just received a promotion at work. Objectively, things are going well, but you notice that you can’t really enjoy it. Instead, you keep thinking that something is bound to go wrong.
We might tap on something like:
“I just got promoted at work, but I can’t feel happy about it because I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop. Part of me feels like nothing ever works out for people like me, and as I think about this now, I feel this tightness in my chest. And this is where I’m at right now”.
Working with a current situation can sometimes lead us back to earlier experiences organically. Perhaps while tapping on the promotion, an image of your father suddenly comes to mind. You might remember something he used to say, a particular expression on his face, or an event you haven’t thought about in years. We can follow those connections as they emerge rather than having to figure them all out beforehand.
What Did You Learn From Watching Them?
As we work through specific experiences, we may also begin noticing the beliefs that became associated with them.
Perhaps watching your father repeatedly struggle contributed to beliefs such as “Good things don’t last”, “Life is always going to be difficult”, or “People like us never get ahead”. Growing up around a highly anxious parent might have contributed to a very different set of expectations, such as “The world isn’t safe” or “I always need to be prepared for something bad to happen”.
I generally wouldn’t try to argue with those beliefs or immediately replace them with more positive ones. Instead, I would become curious about what makes them feel true.
What memories seem to support the belief? When you imagine believing something different, what feelings come up? Does part of you immediately respond with all the reasons why changing that belief would be naive or unsafe?
Those reactions can become additional places to give the microphone while tapping.
“If I Change, What Does That Mean About My Parent?”
There can also be a more subtle layer to this work. Sometimes changing a pattern we learned from a parent can bring up uncomfortable feelings about our relationship with them.
For example, part of us might feel that leaving behind our father’s worldview somehow means rejecting him. We may feel guilty about becoming more successful than our parents were, allowing ourselves to be happier than they were, or living with a sense of safety they never had.
There can also be an identity component. If you have experienced the world this way for most of your life, imagining yourself without the pattern may feel very unfamiliar. You might wonder, “Who would I be if I didn’t think this way anymore?”
These concerns may not make logical sense to another part of us, but if they carry emotional charge, I think they deserve our attention. We can give the microphone to the part that worries that changing means leaving our parent behind, dishonoring what they went through, or losing an important part of who we are.
Following the Emotional Charge
When we recognize one of our parents’ patterns in ourselves, we don’t necessarily need to determine exactly how we “picked it up” before we can begin working on it. We can start with what is available to us now.
That might be a childhood memory of watching our parent struggle. It might be a present-day situation in which we recognize ourselves reacting exactly as they would have. It might be a belief that feels deeply ingrained, or a sense of guilt about becoming different from them.
Any of those can give us a place to begin.
As we give the microphone to the thoughts, feelings, sensations, memories, and protective parts connected to the pattern, we may gradually find that the old way of responding doesn’t have quite the same emotional pull. We can still understand where it came from and have compassion for the parent who modeled it for us, while having more freedom in how we respond to our own lives today.
That said, when working on patterns we learned from our parents, it’s not always easy to know which memories, beliefs, or present-day experiences to focus on when tapping by ourselves. If you’d like some support exploring what’s coming up for you, you can learn more about my approach at brunosade.com.
—————————————————————————————
I’m Bruno Sade, a clinical psychologist and Accredited Certified Advanced EFT Practitioner. I work online with people around the world, helping them reduce the emotional charge behind difficult thoughts, memories, and triggers.
If you’re curious about experiencing EFT in a guided session, I occasionally offer a free EFT tapping session in exchange for a brief market research interview. You can sign up here.
