Increasing your effectiveness with EFT, part 222.
Have you ever noticed yourself replaying someone’s comments over and over in your mind?
Sometimes it is not even the words themselves that stay with us. It might be the person’s tone of voice, the expression on their face, or the way they looked at us. Hours later, or even days later, we find ourselves mentally replaying the interaction, wishing we had responded differently or wondering why it affected us so much.
When this happens, one helpful place to begin is simply by tapping on the most recent situation. We can give the microphone to whatever thoughts, feelings, or body sensations come up as we remember what happened. Or, if we know we are likely to see that person again, we can imagine the next time we might hear a similar comment and tap on how we feel about that imagined future scenario.
Sometimes, that is enough for the emotional charge to gradually soften.
Other times, we notice that the same type of comment continues to affect us despite having tapped on several recent interactions. When that happens, I find it helpful to become curious rather than assuming the process isn’t working. There are a few different directions we can gently explore.
One question that often leads somewhere interesting is: “Who does this person remind me of?”
Sometimes the connection is immediately obvious. Other times it takes a little while before we realize that the person’s tone of voice, facial expressions, or way of speaking reminds us of a parent, a teacher, a sibling, a school bully, or someone else from earlier in our lives.
If that happens, it may be worth exploring some of those older memories. Often we discover that the emotional charge attached to those earlier experiences is contributing to why the present-day comments feel so difficult to brush off.
Another question I often like to ask is: “What meaning is my mind giving to what this person said?”
Imagine that someone criticizes you, but what they are saying feels completely untrue. You might disagree with them, perhaps even laugh about it, and move on with your day.
But if their comments keep echoing in your mind, it can sometimes be a sign that they have touched on an old wound, insecurity, or belief that already existed before that conversation took place.
Perhaps part of us wonders whether what they said might actually be true. Perhaps it connects with an old feeling of “I’m not good enough”, “I’m disappointing people,” or “I’ll never measure up”. Those thoughts and beliefs can become valuable places to tap.
Finally, I sometimes invite people to imagine the following: “What if this person’s comments didn’t bother me anymore?”. As strange as it may sound, that question can sometimes bring up unexpected answers.
Some people notice a fear that if they stopped reacting, they would be letting the other person “off the hook”. Others realize that staying emotionally activated or triggered helps them remain vigilant or protects them from being caught off guard in the future.
These protective concerns deserve just as much curiosity as the original trigger. Rather than trying to convince ourselves that we shouldn’t feel this way, we can simply give those protective parts the microphone (while we tap) and listen to what they have to say.
One of the things I appreciate most about EFT is that it encourages us to follow the emotional charge wherever it leads. We may begin by tapping on a conversation that happened this morning, only to discover that it opens the door to an earlier relationship, an old insecurity, or a protective strategy that has been with us for many years.
As those different layers gradually lose their emotional charge, we often notice that the comments themselves begin to lose their grip on us. The other person may not change at all, but our nervous system no longer reacts with the same intensity, and that can make quite a difference in how we experience the relationship.
That said, when it comes to doing EFT, it’s not always easy to do it by ourselves. If you’d like some support exploring what’s coming up for you, you can learn more about my approach at brunosade.com.
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I’m Bruno Sade, a clinical psychologist and Accredited Certified Advanced EFT Practitioner. I work online with people around the world, helping them reduce the emotional charge behind difficult thoughts, memories, and triggers.
If you’re curious about experiencing EFT in a guided session, I occasionally offer a free EFT tapping session in exchange for a brief market research interview. You can sign up here.
