Increasing your effectiveness with EFT, part 218.
One challenge that many people encounter when doing EFT on their own is finding that they simply can’t connect with the emotions they want to work on. This often happens when tapping on older memories that are contributing to the issue we are trying to resolve (what in EFT is sometimes referred to as the “table legs” supporting the problem).
We know the event was painful, and we remember what happened, but when we sit down to tap, the emotional charge seems distant or even absent. This can leave us wondering whether the tapping will still be effective.
One of the ideas I often come back to is that, for EFT to be both safe and effective, there needs to be enough emotional activation for us to “tune in” to the issue, but not so much that we become overwhelmed. I sometimes compare this to a cup of tea. If the tea is too cold, it is difficult to connect with the emotion. If it is boiling hot, the nervous system can become overwhelmed. Our goal is to find a comfortable middle ground.
One thing that can make this easier is having a compassionate witness. Many people notice that they connect much more easily with their emotions when they are speaking to a therapist or an EFT practitioner. Having another person calmly listening to us, in a non-judgmental way, can create a greater sense of safety, allowing emotions to emerge more naturally.
Some people discover ways of recreating part of that experience on their own. For example, one person recently shared that she imagines she is sitting in a therapy session and tells the story out loud as though a therapist were listening. She found that speaking this way helped her reconnect with the emotions much more easily, making the tapping feel more effective.
Another strategy is to mentally “zoom in” on the emotionally charged details of the memory. Imagine you are working on a memory of being rejected as a child, which might be supporting the “tabletop” issue of fear of rejection or social anxiety. At first, you might think about the event and feel almost nothing. But as you begin focusing on specific details, the emotional connection may become much stronger.
You might notice the expression on the other person’s face, the tone of their voice, the exact words they used, the fact that other people were watching, or the moment you realized what had happened. Sometimes those seemingly small details are exactly what allows the emotional charge to become accessible again.
It is also worth remembering that with EFT, we are always tapping on how we feel now, in the present moment, when thinking about the memory. The emotion we feel today is not always the same emotion we experienced at the time. Perhaps you felt sadness when the event originally happened, but today you mainly notice shame. Or perhaps it is the other way around. That is completely okay.
A helpful approach is to simply give the microphone to whatever emotion is present right now. As that emotional charge begins to soften, other layers often emerge naturally. In EFT, these are sometimes called “shifting aspects.” What can usually happen is that one emotion leads us toward another, eventually bringing us into contact with feelings that were present during the original experience.
Sometimes there is another reason why it is difficult to connect with our emotions. Part of us may be actively trying to push down those emotions because they feel too painful or overwhelming. When that happens, I generally would not recommend trying to push past that protective part. Instead, we can welcome it into the process and give it the microphone as well.
For example, you might tap while saying:
“There’s a part of me that doesn’t want me to feel what I felt back then, because it might be too painful. And this is where I’m at right now”.
Very often, protective parts become more willing to relax once they feel heard, rather than ignored.
Finally, there are situations where early memories simply remain difficult to access despite trying these different approaches. In those cases, it can be much easier to begin with a more recent example of the same theme. If your core issue is rejection, you might start with a recent situation where you felt rejected. Or you might imagine a future situation where you are afraid rejection could happen.
As you tap on those more accessible experiences, you may find that older memories begin to arise on their own. And when they do, they often feel much more emotionally accessible than they did before.
There is no need to force this process. In my experience, the more we meet ourselves where we are, and the more willing we are to work with whatever is available in the present moment, the easier it becomes for the next layer to emerge naturally. That gradual unfolding often leads to deeper and more sustainable emotional processing than trying to force ourselves to reconnect with emotions that are not ready to surface yet.
That said, when it comes to doing EFT, it’s not always easy to do it by ourselves. If you’d like some support exploring what’s coming up for you, you can learn more about my approach at brunosade.com.
————————————————————————————-
I’m Bruno Sade, a clinical psychologist and Accredited Certified Advanced EFT Practitioner. I work online with people around the world, helping them reduce the emotional charge behind difficult thoughts, memories, and triggers.
If you’re curious about experiencing EFT in a guided session, I occasionally offer a free EFT tapping session in exchange for a brief market research interview. You can sign up here.
