Increasing your effectiveness with EFT, part 157.
Have you ever sat down to do some tapping—perhaps to work through a longstanding emotional block—and found yourself… hesitating?
You might notice a subtle (or not-so-subtle) resistance. A thought like: “Maybe I’ll do it later,” or “I’m not sure this will help.” Or even just a vague sense of discomfort or heaviness that makes it harder to begin. And then, before you know it, you’re doing something else.
If that sounds familiar, you’re not alone. This kind of inner hesitation is surprisingly common, especially when it comes to emotional patterns that have been with us for a long time. In fact, in EFT (Emotional Freedom Techniques), there’s a name for this kind of inner resistance: secondary gains.
What Are Secondary Gains?
A secondary gain is a hidden benefit—often unconscious—that comes from holding onto an emotional block, fear, or limiting belief.
That might sound strange at first. After all, why would any part of us want to stay stuck or in pain?
But from the perspective of EFT, it’s not about self-sabotage—it’s about protection. A part of us is often holding onto that block because, on some level, it believes something bad will happen if it doesn’t. Remember, not all change is good.
That “old frequency,” as one person called it, might be deeply familiar. It might represent a defense that helped you survive or cope in the past. Letting it go might feel like opening a door to something unknown—or even threatening.
Examples of How Secondary Gains Show Up
- “If I let go of this fear, I might take risks I’m not ready for.”
- “If I stop feeling this sadness, I might forget what happened to me—or what it meant.”
- “If I heal this, maybe I won’t be the same person anymore.”
- “If I try to tap on this and fail, it’ll prove I’m really stuck.”
Sometimes the resistance isn’t even about the issue—it’s about the process of doing EFT itself. A part of you might worry: “What if this gets too intense?” or “What if I don’t do it right?”
Meeting the Resistance with Kindness
Rather than trying to push past this resistance or force yourself to “just do the tapping,” one of the most effective approaches is actually the most gentle one: acknowledge the part that’s afraid or unsure. Validate it. Give it space.
You might even tap on that directly. For example:
“Even though there’s a part of me that’s not sure I want to do this tapping… This is just where I’m at right now.”
“Even though a part of me is afraid to let go of this feeling… maybe it has a good reason, and this is just where I’m at right now.”
“Even though this resistance is showing up… This is just where I’m at right now, and I’m open to the possibility of listening to it, instead of fighting it”.
When we bring compassion and curiosity to the parts of us that hesitate, they often soften. They might not disappear right away—and that’s okay—but they tend to become more cooperative when they feel heard and respected.
You Don’t Have to Rush
Healing isn’t about “fixing” yourself or getting rid of uncomfortable parts. It’s about creating a relationship of trust with all aspects of yourself—even the ones that resist healing.
And sometimes, just acknowledging the resistance is the healing. It’s the first step in building a bridge between the part that wants to move forward and the part that’s afraid.
Sustainable positive change often starts by slowing down and acknowledging what’s actually present—including the parts of us that say no. In doing so, we send a powerful message: All parts of me are welcome here.
So the next time you notice hesitation when reaching for EFT, take a moment to pause—not to judge yourself, but to wonder: What might this part be trying to protect me from? And how can I meet it with kindness instead of pressure?
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I’m Bruno Sade, a clinical psychologist and Certified Advanced EFT Practitioner. Helping you manage emotional reactions and release triggers in a way that feels safe and tailored to your unique needs.
If you’d like to experience a free EFT Tapping session in exchange for a brief market research interview, click here.
