Increasing your effectiveness with EFT, part 206.
Earlier today, I was sharing with a client a way of approaching shame that can sometimes make it a bit more workable.
Shame can be a very intense experience. It often shows up after we make a mistake, or when we remember something awkward or cringeworthy that we did in the past. Even if nothing is happening in the present, the emotional reaction can feel very real, almost as if we were being judged again in that moment.
One way of working with this, using EFT, is through a simple mental image.
You can imagine yourself standing in the middle of a circle of people who are criticizing or shaming you for what happened. They might be saying the things you fear others think about you, or even the things you say to yourself internally.
Once you have that image, you can begin tapping while keeping your attention, as much as feels manageable, on that “circle of shame”.
As you do this, you might experiment with an attitude of “surrendering” or allowing. Something along the lines of, “I’m just going to let them say what they have to say”.
At the same time, you can gently invite your body to relax, to stop bracing or contracting against the experience. And if your body does not want to relax, that is also okay. There is no need to force anything. The idea is to allow whatever is happening, including tension.
You can also allow yourself, to whatever degree feels possible, to feel what you are feeling and think what you are thinking.
If at any point this feels too intense, you can shift your attention. Instead of focusing directly on the image, you might look around the room, or focus on something neutral or even slightly boring. This can help your nervous system receive signals of safety while you continue tapping.
In other words, you can move closer to the experience or further away from it, depending on what feels more manageable in that moment.
Sometimes it can also be helpful to “sneak up” on the issue.
For example, you might start by tapping on something like, “Just thinking about this image feels overwhelming, and this is where I’m at right now”. This allows you to acknowledge your current capacity, rather than pushing yourself too quickly into the most intense aspects of the experience.
Working with a practitioner can also make this process feel safer and more contained.
This is an approach that has personally helped me reduce the intensity and frequency of shame in my own experience. When it does show up, it tends to feel less overwhelming and passes more quickly.
At the same time, different people respond differently to different approaches. It is important to go at your own pace and only explore this if it feels manageable for your system.
If the experience becomes too intense, you can think of it like a cup of tea that has become too hot. In that case, it can be helpful to gently step back, cool things down, and return to the process more gradually. You can do this for example by focusing your attention on something pleasant, neutral or even boring (essentially anything that feels “safe”).
Over time, this kind of practice can help increase our capacity to sit with shame while also allowing it to be processed.
That said, it’s not always easy to do this on our own. If you’d like some support exploring what’s coming up for you, you can learn more about my approach at brunosade.com.
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I’m Bruno Sade, a clinical psychologist and Accredited Certified Advanced EFT Practitioner. I work online with people around the world, helping them reduce the emotional charge behind difficult thoughts, memories, and triggers.
If you’re curious about experiencing EFT in a guided session, I occasionally offer a free introductory session in exchange for a brief market research interview. You can learn more here.
