Increasing your effectiveness with EFT, part 204.
One idea that stayed with me from my years studying psychology is the importance of “locating the loss” when we are going through grief.
When we think about grief, we often associate it with the death of a loved one. But grief can also arise in many other situations. The end of a relationship, a missed opportunity, a life decision that cannot be undone, or a version of the future we imagined but did not come to pass can all carry a similar emotional weight.
In these situations, the loss is not always immediately clear.
Recently, I was working with a client who had been experiencing persistent intrusive thoughts about a decision he made regarding his retirement. Given the current economic situation, his income is now lower than it would have been had he chosen a different path. There is no way to go back and change that decision. On a rational level, he knows this. And yet, his mind keeps returning to it.
At one point, he told me that his emotional state felt similar to what he would expect after losing someone. That comparison opened an interesting door.
If this feels like grief, then what is the loss?
As we began to give the microphone, through tapping, to the different thoughts and reactions connected to the situation, several layers started to emerge. There was self reproach for not having chosen differently. There was concern about the long term impact this might have on his health. There was also a sense of injustice and frustration.
Then, at a certain point, something became clearer to him.
He said, “If this is like grief, then I’m starting to see what I actually lost”.
What he had lost was not just money.
He had lost a sense of economic autonomy. Before, he could cover the household expenses on his own without needing help from his wife. He also had the ability to support his children financially, something that brought him a deep sense of satisfaction, even if they do not currently depend on that support. And beyond that, he had lost a sense of ease about the future, a quiet confidence that these years would feel financially stable.
Putting this into words seemed to shift something.
From a psychoanalytic perspective, being able to name what was lost can be an important step in processing grief. The loss is not always obvious, even in situations that might seem clear from the outside. For example, in the case of losing a loved one, part of the grief may relate to the place we occupied in that person’s life, the way we were seen, needed, or valued by them.
When the loss remains vague, the emotional experience can feel confusing and harder to process. The mind may keep circling around the situation without finding any resolution.
But when we are able to locate the loss and put it into words, something begins to organize internally. The experience becomes more tangible. It can be felt, expressed, and gradually integrated.
In this process, EFT can be a helpful tool.
By giving the microphone to the different aspects of the experience, the thoughts, the emotions, the self criticism, the fears, we allow each part to be acknowledged. As we do this, the emotional charge around the situation often begins to soften, making it easier to stay with the experience without becoming overwhelmed.
Grief does not always look the way we expect it to. And the losses we carry are not always the ones we initially assume.Taking the time to gently explore what was actually lost can open the door to a deeper form of processing, one that allows us to move forward with greater clarity and acceptance.
That being said, it’s not always easy to do this on our own. If you’d like some support exploring what’s coming up for you, you can learn more about my approach at brunosade.com.
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I’m Bruno Sade, a clinical psychologist and Accredited Certified Advanced EFT Practitioner. I work online with people around the world, helping them reduce the emotional charge behind difficult thoughts, memories, and triggers.
If you’re curious about experiencing EFT in a guided session, I occasionally offer a free introductory session in exchange for a brief market research interview. You can learn more here.
