Increasing your effectiveness with EFT, part 203.
Earlier today, I received an email from a client I had worked with a couple of years ago. Back then, we focused on the jealousy she felt toward her partner. Even though she knew, on a logical level, that he was trustworthy, the fear of being betrayed felt very real to her.
In her message, she shared that they are getting married next month, and that they are both feeling grateful and enjoying a loving, healthy relationship.
I am sharing this with her privacy fully in mind, but also because it reflects something I see quite often in my work.
Jealousy is a common challenge in romantic relationships. Sometimes people feel justified in their reactions. Other times, they are aware that their responses feel excessive, and they wish they didn’t experience them in that way.
Over the years, I have worked with many clients on this issue using EFT, and there are a few things that tend to be especially important.
One of the first things that often comes up is shame.
Many people feel a strong sense of self judgment about their jealousy. They might think, “I shouldn’t feel this way” or “there’s something wrong with me for reacting like this”. It is also very common to feel guilty about how this is affecting their partner and the relationship. This layer can make everything more difficult, because now it is not only the jealousy itself, but also the feelings about having those feelings.
Because of that, it is often helpful to begin by giving the microphone to that self judgment. In other words, we tap on the “feelings about the feelings”. This might need to be done more than once. As that layer softens, it often becomes easier to approach the jealousy itself with more openness.
When we start working more directly with all of this, whether it is the jealousy itself, the self judgment, or the guilt and shame around it, the intensity can rise quickly.
I often use the analogy of a cup of tea. What we focus on while tapping is like the temperature of that tea. If it is too cold, there is not enough emotional connection for the process to work effectively. If it is too hot, it can feel overwhelming.
With jealousy, the temperature can rise very quickly. That is why it is important to go gently. At times, it can be helpful to step back and “tap from a safe distance”, rather than zooming all the way into the most intense aspects of the feeling. This allows the nervous system to stay within a manageable range, so that the tapping can do its work without becoming too much.
Another important piece is working with the experiences that may be contributing to the current reactions.
For some people, this includes past situations where trust was broken. For others, it may relate to earlier experiences of loss or abandonment. This could involve a breakup, a divorce in the family, or even the unexpected loss of someone important. These experiences can leave a strong emotional imprint, which later gets activated in close relationships.
It is also common to work with imagined future scenarios and everyday triggers.
Moments such as seeing a message pop up on a partner’s phone, or noticing them interact with someone attractive, can activate a sense of threat very quickly. From the perspective of the nervous system, these moments can feel like signals of danger, even when there is no real risk in the present.
By tapping on these triggers, we can help the system feel safer in situations that previously felt activating.
This kind of work usually unfolds over time.
Rather than expecting a sudden and complete shift, progress often shows up in more gradual ways. The emotional reactions tend to become less intense, less frequent, and shorter in duration. As a result, they become easier to navigate, without requiring as much effort to control or suppress them.
Over time, this can create more space for trust, connection, and a sense of ease within the relationship.
That being said, it’s not always easy to do this on our own. If you’d like some support exploring what’s coming up for you, you can learn more about my approach at brunosade.com.
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I’m Bruno Sade, a clinical psychologist and Accredited Certified Advanced EFT Practitioner. I work online with people around the world, helping them reduce the emotional charge behind difficult thoughts, memories, and triggers.
If you’re curious about experiencing EFT in a guided session, I occasionally offer a free introductory session in exchange for a brief market research interview. You can learn more here.
