Increasing your effectiveness with EFT, part 198.
Many habits we struggle with are not just about willpower or lack of discipline. Very often, they are part of a shame cycle.
This can show up around eating, smoking, drinking, scrolling, procrastinating, or other behaviors we might want to change. The pattern usually goes something like this: we engage in the behavior, then we feel ashamed about it. That shame feels uncomfortable and overwhelming, so we return to the behavior as a way to numb it, distract ourselves, or feel some sense of relief or control. The relief tends to be short lived, and soon enough the shame comes back, often stronger than before.
What surprises many people is that shame is not actually helping us stop the behavior. We often assume that feeling bad about ourselves should motivate change. In reality, shame tends to fuel the cycle and make it harder to step out of it.
Shame as a Trigger
Shame has a very particular quality. It does not just say “I did something I don’t like”. It often says “There is something wrong with me”. When we are in that state, our nervous system is already under stress. Reaching for a familiar habit can then feel like the quickest way to cope, even if we know it does not help in the long run.
This is why trying to change behavior while leaving shame untouched can feel like an uphill battle. Each time the behavior happens, shame increases. Each time shame increases, the urge to numb or escape grows stronger.
Working With Shame Using EFT
This is where EFT Tapping can be especially helpful. EFT allows us to work directly with the emotional charge of shame, rather than trying to push it away or talk ourselves out of it.
Instead of focusing first on stopping the behavior, we can begin by tapping on how we actually feel about it. That might include thoughts like “I feel so ashamed that I did this again”, “I feel weak”, or “I feel like I should know better by now”. The goal is not to justify the behavior or make it okay, but to meet the emotional experience honestly.
For example, a tapping phrase might sound like:
“When I think about what I did last night, I feel so ashamed and disappointed in myself, and this is where I’m at right now”.
By tapping while acknowledging these feelings, we help the nervous system settle. As the emotional charge of shame softens, one of the main triggers for the habit begins to lose strength.
Releasing Shame First
Many people assume that they need to stop the behavior before they can feel better about themselves. EFT invites us to explore the opposite direction. What happens if we work on releasing the shame first?
As shame decreases, people often notice that urges become less intense or less frequent. The behavior no longer serves the same emotional function, because there is less to numb or escape from. From this place, making different choices tends to feel more possible and less forced.
This does not mean change happens overnight. Habits are complex, and there can be many layers involved. But reducing shame often creates more emotional space, more clarity, and more self compassion, all of which support change.
A Kinder Way Forward
Using EFT to work with shame is about breaking the cycle, not by blaming ourselves or demanding perfection, but by addressing what keeps the cycle going. When shame no longer dominates the inner landscape, we can relate to our habits with more curiosity and care.
Over time, this kinder approach tends to support more sustainable change. Not because we are punishing ourselves into doing better, but because we are no longer trapped in the emotional loop that made change so difficult in the first place.
If shame has been part of the pattern for you, EFT can be a gentle and effective way to begin shifting that relationship, one step at a time.
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I’m Bruno Sade, a clinical psychologist and Certified Advanced EFT Practitioner. I help you release emotional triggers and build sustainable confidence in a safe space tailored to you.
If you’d like to experience a free EFT Tapping session in exchange for a brief market research interview, click here.
